I had this feeling that if I let go I wouldn't be able to stop. After Mom died and everything that happened with Dad, I shut down. I had to shut down because I needed to keep going. The difficulties with Workmans Comp, my stepmoms injury, Dad's illness and death, I just managed it. I didn't stop to think about it, I just did it. When I got frustrated and angry I just forced it down inside of me, didn't let it out, coiled it around somewhere inside of me. Like a spring inside of a container. Kept the lid on it to keep it from exploding out. I couldn't cry when Dad died. A few tears and I got a grip on myself and shoved that down inside of me somewhere too. I keep doing for others as much as I can because it takes me outside myself, away from my own problems, away from my pain. Parts of it would escape me now and again. Too much spring, too tightly coiled. I keep hearing his voice in my head, it says "Help me" and I couldn't help him.

It's life, it's what happens. It's if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen, only the kitchen is inside me, not outside me. We grow up, we grow older, our parents die, our children suffer from illnesses and operations. We take deep breaths and...just go on. We do what we need to do to get through the day, and hope that we've exhausted ourselves enough so that we can sleep at night. We wind that spring tighter and tighter because there's nothing else to do. Sometimes we forget it's there, and that's when the trouble happens. That's when suddenly you're angry at nothing and lashing out, hurting people with words because you can't hurt them with fists. You don't want to hurt them with anything, really, but somewhere inside you is that old misery loves company feeling that makes you unable to stop. Every day you pray, you pray for strength to keep the lid on, to keep that spring coiled and still. You pray for strength to stop yourself if you can't keep the spring down where it belongs. Sometimes you pray for it to go away, to leave you alone, for the pain to stop, for anything that helps you. I helped the people here in the park because I knew how to help them. I could not help myself because I didn't know how.

Someone suggested that I blog it out, I couldn't. Every time I tried I felt the need to cry and Dad wouldn't allow that. I was raised to cry only if there was a physical wound or pain, not an emotional wound. "If you don't stop crying I'll give you something to cry about" His exact words, every one of us has heard them, none of us cry well. We suck it up, and we keep going. We don't lean on others, they lean on us. That's the way we were raised. A few tears, wipe our face and blow our nose. Smile, I'm fine, really. He cried when Mom died. He did, I heard it, and he sucked it up and went on. That was the only time I ever saw or heard him cry. Even when his own Mother died, he did all the planning and went on as if everything was fine. Smile...I'm fine...really.

Today I wanted to listen to some country music. I went to finetune and did a playlist. It's 51 songs long. I just kept thinking about all the songs that I like to hear. Dwight Yoakums "I Sang Dixie", Tim McGraws "Live Like You Are Dying". Moms's favorite Randy Travis tunes, "Forever and Ever, Amen" and "On The Other Hand". My favorite Willie Nelson tunes "You Were Always On My Mind" and "Pancho and Lefty". Merle Haggard, George Jones, Trace Adkins, Kenny Chesney, Alan Jackson, on and on without thought, just tunes I wanted to hear. Music for my soul. Music to cleanse my soul.

It started somehow with "Pancho and Lefty", why that should do it I don't really know. The tears just began to trickle down my face and no amount of wiping and blowing my nose helped them. They wouldn't stop. A trickle, became a steady stream, and then a flowing river until I finally put my head down and went with the flow. I posted the playlist somewhere around 3 and it's going on 9 and I still can't stop crying. I have to stop typing and wipe my eyes and blow my nose so that I can see again, but the tears just won't stop. I can't smile, I'm not fine, but I will be.

I'm at a loss
I've nothing to say
Having a hard time
starting my day.

It's getting late
I've things to do
But first I need
a cup of fresh brew.

My head is stuffed full
Of ideas and things
I need Red Bull
To give me wings.

A lawn to mow
Laundry to do
The usual stuff
Nothing much new.

Blogs have been read
PacMan's been played
I've no further excuse
To not start my day.

Still here I sit
Sipping and sighing
It's a beautiful day
I need to quit whining.

It would do me good
To just get up and move
Not having much luck
Finding my groove.

Time to get moving
Get my chores done
Then come back later
To have some more fun.

copyright 2007 SLW

Today is a "country" kind of day. Hot summery and lazy. I needed the music to match it so I created a playlist of my favorite country boys singing their country tunes. Not on autoplay so you can listen to the funk/soul list in the post below or if you like country try this one.

Not one of my better days. I was going to put the Pacman game widget I found into my post, but it comes over too small to play. Then I thought I'd try a link and I lost my whole post. I think I'll just stick with the music. It's been a long day. Dammit, I will not give up.



Click on play game with your mouse then navigate around with the up and down arrows and side to side arrows on your key board. It's not as easy as it sounds, and neither was getting this post up.

The meeting started pretty much the way I thought it was going to go. The purpose was less to help these people than it was to distance the city from their problems. Mostly the Mayors purpose was to reiterate that the city had no deal going on with the park owners. The Mayor is a Republican and of course we are registered voters, so a good face has to be put on this entire situation. He, of course, is sorry that this is happening to people and if there were any way he could help his "people" stand ready to do so...are you nauseous yet?

It was pretty apparent to me that neither he, nor his "people" even looked in to the situation except possibly to talk to the park owner. They're Republicans...with money...need I say too much more? Had I believed that this meeting actually would have benefitted some of the tenants here, I wouldn't have gone. Given what I know I didn't think it would, so I went, and I was prepared.

I took copies of the New York State Department of Transportation rules and regulations regarding Mobile Homes. I took copies of the New York State Office of General Services rules and regulations regarding eligibility criteria for Chapter II Part 277.6 Payment of Moving Expenses for Displaced Mobile Home Owners. That particular part also covers demolition of the mobile home should it be deemed unfit because of structural problems or sanitation problems. Not because of age. As long as he has vacancies in one of his other parks, he can't refuse to take any of these tenants because of the age of their homes. Other parks can refuse, he can't because they are all ready tenants of his.

So, this is where my fellow tenants stand now. In order for the park owner to refuse to accept any of these homes in one of his other 2 parks, the home has to fail an inspection by a QUALIFIED codes enforcement officer. It can't be inspected by a mobile home mover, it HAS to be inspected by an employee qualified to conduct these inspections. If it is deemed unfit, the STATE pays for the demolition, it does this through contracts with demolition companies, NOT through the mobile home park owner unless his price is cheaper than the contractors would be. The park owner also can't tell any of the tenants that they must hire his approved mover either. They have the right to chose the cheapest mover, the state prefers the cheapest mover.

There will be tenants that may have to find an apartment and have their homes torn down. Their expenses will be paid for by this program and the owner can't do a thing about it. Since the home will be torn down and the lot cleaned, he has to give up their security deposit. He wouldn't benefit a bit from this because once the state decides the eligibility, the STATE acquires ownership of the home to be demolished. Therefore, the state gets the security deposit. This program also extends the time tenants have to get out of the park for those that are not on leases. Once they've signed up they have the right to live here until the state makes it's determination.

This program effectively removes the city from any responsibility which the Mayor likes, and hits the park owners in the pocketbook which I like. It also protects the tenants from unscrupulous actions on the part of the park owner and his flunkies. I think his cha ching, cha ching just went kerplunk.

I've been talking to one or two of my neighbors who have turned to the park management for information to help them make decisions about what they are going to do. It was in the paper that he stands ready to assist any and all tenants any way he can. Sure he will, as long as it lines his pockets. I'm disturbed by what these people are being told, and by something else. Lot rents here will be increasing by $40 per month starting September 1. The sound you just heard was my jaw hitting the floor. Ouch, that hurt.

First thing our park owner did was call around and found someone who is willing to move all the trailers in here. Now, this supposedly was because he was moving as many of the tenants as he could in to other trailer parks that he owns. Cost of this move? A whopping $1500 to $2000. This is the price that senior citizens on fixed incomes and other low income families are supposed to fork over for this move. The problem is...no one has been told that there is a lot available to them in any of his other parks. They have been told that if their trailer is older than 1976 it can't be moved because New York State has a law against moving trailers of that age on New York State highways. I have one word to that.....LIAR.

Any mobile home park owner can set a standard. They can decide not to accept homes older than a certain age. That's legal and I don't have a problem with it except that it does make life difficult for many of my neighbors, and I feel sorry for them. The New York State regulation that he is referring to is a construction code. All mobile homes manufactured after 1976 have to have met minimum construction standards and must have a metal plate attached to the home that says it complies with the 1976 standard. I have a home manufactured in 1972 which has one of those on it. The original owner had it inspected for compliance when he decided to sell it in 1979. That face plate, as it's called, meant he could command a higher price for it from his buyer. There is no New York State Department of Transportation regulation against moving anything on the highway that is older than a certain age. If there were, half the trucking outfits in the state would be out of business. Like anything else, there are safety standards that have to be met, but that has nothing to do with age.

Apparently some of these people have turned to the Mayor for assistance. They have been told that there is no deal in place between the city and the park owner. Which is not exactly what the newspaper said. I don't know what he's going to do, there is some sort of meeting that will be taking place. I might attend it, not because I need the help, but because I see what the park owner is trying to do. If these homes are moved, and the lots are cleaned, he has to give the security deposit back. If the homes are abandoned, he gets to keep the security deposit plus charge these people $1500 more for demolition. The price of steel and copper are quite high, which means that salvaged steel and copper are fetching a decent price. The undercarriage of all of these homes is made from steel.

All he does is move the homes to a vacant section of his park and rip them apart. The labor and dumping fees on the material he takes to the transfer station is covered by the security deposit. In addition to that amount he then takes these people to court, gets a judgement, garnishees their wages until the amount owed is paid. In the meantime he transports the steel and copper to a salvage yard, gets it weighed and probably walks away with another $500 in his pocket. I know the steel off our old Ford Tempo got us $125. The steel in a mobile home is equivalent to the amount of steel in 4 small cars. Cha ching! Cha ching!

Based on the number of homes in this park and the income of half of the people here, I'd say he's going to have maybe 20 homes to demolish. With what he'll actually collect from these demolitions by keeping the deposit and selling the steel will more than pay him a decent profit. He won't be able to collect from the senior citizens, but he'll get more money from those who have wages he can garnishee. Isn't it nice that he stands willing to help these people?